Fail Trip

So. My sister, her two kids, my three daughters, and myself made a trip to Disneyland this week. The trip was iffy for about a week or so because I had been sick. I decided I was well enough to go and we went on with our plans. But it was off to a rough start from the very beginning. I never really got myself fully back in order after being sick before it was time to go. I am a big list maker. I just like to sit down and write out my plan and think it through and so on. Then once I have my list made I can get things done really quickly. But my house was a disaster...the kind of disaster that takes place when a stay at home mom is sick in bed for over a week and the (not stay at home) hubs has to take over. Bad things happen to a house in such a situation. Anyhow, though I was feeling better, I didn't get my list made and I didn't get my house back in order. For me, this was two big strikes on my trip because these are two things that feel like a necessity for me to go out of town. The day finally came. It's the kids last day of school (exciting), I have a doctors appointment, and another appointment, I have packed nothing, my house is a disaster, I need to go shopping for the food/snacks I will take with me, I have no list...seems like potentially more than two strikes. I get all these other things taken care of (except for the cleaning) and I'm down to the packing. As I'm packing I say to the hubs, "Hubs, could you get the annual passes out." The annual passes are important, they are our tickets into the park, our tickets into the park that are already paid for. I have a phobia of forgetting them, of getting to Disneyland without our passes that we already paid much money for. So my hubs proceeds to look as I continue to pack. The packing is going well. We are only going to be gone two nights, we really don't need much. Problem...Hubs can't find the annual passes. Boo. I keep packing, sure they will show up. Hubs lets me know that he really can't find them and doesn't know where else to look. I say, "Hubs, how could this be." He thinks he threw the away. As I'm sure anyone can tell, time has just momentarily stood still. Here's the situation. I am, in a very disorganized fashion, about to leave for a funfilled trip to Disneyland with my sister (who has herself just spent much money on tickets). My hubs can not locate the tickets that we have already spent much money on. This does not make me happy. This, in fact, upsets me. So I'm going to make what is becoming a long story short, I call Disneyland, they inform me I can just one time get a temporary pass for no additional charge. This is good, because I don't know if I've mentioned this or not but I've already spent much money on our annual passes and I'm not super interested in spending more. So. We get on our way. Late. Like I want to say about 8:00pm for what promises to be a solid 4-5 hour drive. These are the things that happen when I don't make a list. Nothing eventful happens on the way. Being so late the traffic is good, my sister and I only yell at each other once I think. We get there, very late, very tired, but fairly safe, and it had been like 2 hours since we yelled at each other so we were over it. We go right to sleep. And we sleep pretty good. But something funny happens the next morning. My sister gets her first introduction to how I don't travel one day and then move quickly in the morning the next. She was very gracious to me about it because she thought I was still getting over being sick...little does she know that even with perfect, optimal health I wouldn't be moving any faster. That's just me. It's part of my charm. So we finally make it on over to the magic kingdom. I want to say its almost noon. We get in line to get my temporary passes. I mention to her that we are coming back the next day, so I actually need 2 day passes. Simple enough. She then brings up an excellent, yet previously unnoticed point-my season passes are blacked out for the 2nd day. I stand there, and say, "Oh really?" It just then occures to me that I never checked the blackout dates, I just decided I wanted to go to Disneyland and then I went in a disorganized manner. So here's the situation. I'm at Disneyland with my kids, my sister, and her kids. I can only get in to the park one of the two days we had planned to go, I will not pay the $280 it would cost for them to let me in on a blackout day. My sister has already paid for two days which costs much more than one day and I'm fairly certain she might kill me. Fortunately she had already been planning to upgrade her tickets to season passes. They give you dollar for dollar credit for the tickets you already bought when you do this. So she does not really lose any money, and she does not kill me. We finally make our way into the park. At which time we learn that Disneyland is actually closing at 7:00pm on this blessed day....we had kind of expected 10:00pm or maybe midnight, but once again we didn't check ahead of time so really how were we to know. So, ok, there's nothing we can do but get in there and make the best of it. So we did. We had fun. We had the blessing of my precious handicapped child who got us through a lot of lines faster. Can I just say that if you've never gone to Disneyland with a handicapped person, you should. It is amazing. Of course, there are some rides my daughter can not go on because she is in fact handicapped, this isn't some sort scam we are pulling. She doesn't go on any of the really fast, jerky rides. So no Matterhorn, California Screamin, Space Mountain,or oddly enough Tea Cups...those really fling you around people. But these are in the minority at Disneyland, that is why we like it. But all the normal, nice rides? We are all over that handicap line. Now I'm about to reveal something a little embarrassing. We didn't get to Disneyland until noon...we did not stay till it closed either. I'm sure my sister could have made it, but she later told me that she thought maybe I really wasn't feeling well enough to be there, and she felt kinda bad, and she had mercy on my poor, out of shape soul. And we left before it closed. We went out to a wonderful dinner and then we went to bed and I'm pretty sure I didn't roll over or otherwise move all night, I was beat. So the next day was full of plenty of adventure of its own. We ended up labeling our trip "Fail Trip". But we did have fun, I'm glad I got to go with just my sister. I'm glad she didn't kill me over the tickets, and I'm also glad to be home.

Man Sick

So my hubs is sick. I don't think it's the flu...hopefully it won't turn into the flu either. I love this man. He is my partner in life, he works a job he hates so I can stay home with our kids, he puts up with me and all my hormonal craziness, he has made many changes in his life over the last 4 years, all for the best. I want him to feel better...very soon. The problem is that I can't stand taking care of him. He is such a baby when he is sick and it drives me crazy!! Man colds and man sickness is a very real thing. The way it works in our house is that when one parent is sick, they are quarantined into our room. We try our best to keep the kids out and the sick one just rests. So that means they are mostly in their alone. I only go in their to take him food and such. But here's the thing. When I go in their he can't just be like, "I need more water" or " I would like some menudo" or "I need more Motrin". No, that would be far too easy. Instead, whenever I come in the room he moans and groans...like a baby who can't talk, people...and just in general acts like he's dying. He tells me he's hungry at 8:30 in the morning. He doesn't say what he wants, just that he's hungry. So I bring him a bowl of cereal. His cereal. His gluten free cereal that he bought when he went to the store, which leads me to believe that he must like this cereal. I bring it to him. As he goes to all the great effort it requires to sit up in bed...since he's dying...and looks into the bowl it's not gratitude or appreciation I get from him. No no, he says "what's this". He looks at it, getting a few spoonfuls and dropping them back into the bowl as if it was gruel or something. And says, "Oh, its not menudo? Should I even be having milk? Won't that make me all phlegmy?"...It's so annoying. It makes me want to put him out of his misery...in the most loving way possible. He just drives me crazy. So here I am on the couch, I don't sleep with him to try and avoid his germs. So I'm sleeping on the couch, I'm doing all the regular housework and child care, and I'm having to deal with him. It's too much. It turns my normal delightful demeanor into one...less than delightful. I hope no one else gets it, though I am a nicer nurse to my children than to him. I mainly hope he feels better soon...real soon.

Starting Back Up

Now that the holidays have passed I'm going to try to get back into blogging. We had a wonderful Christmas, really wonderful. I have a great family and I love to be able to spend time with them. I love having my kids home from school. Every year when Christmas break is abou over I think man, it would be great to homeschool them and have them here all the time...I'm not quite ready to make that jump, but maybe soon. We made a trip to the coast and a quick trip to Disneyland over the break. It was really great as we have not been able to make many trips in the last few years. We ended up getting a season pass to Disneyland and we are planning to go again in a few weeks for my daughters birthday. I am the assistant coach for the high school basketball team at my kids school. It keeps me busy and takes up a lot of our week. I am excited to get going with this year and see what changes our family will make through out the year. There are going to be a few, and I'm anxious to see just how many it turns out to be. I'm so thankful for my family and everything that I have. A personal goal of mine, not just this year but always, is be content. To be happy with what I have, not always looking and wanting, just be happy and appreciative for what I have, no matter how much or little it is. It's hard. Really hard. But I'm determined. I don't want to be materialistic and never happy. I want to be greatful and content. And I want my children to be also. It's a challenge for sure. There's so much to be thankful for. There's nothing in this world I need. I don't have it all, I assure you, but I certainly have everything I need and nothing to complain about. I'm so thankful for Jesus. That He loves me, that He's changing me day by day, and that I can be assured of my salvation. What a gift! Happy New Year!

Perspective

So if you hadn't picked up on it from some of my past posts, I'm a pretty conservative gal. I'm pretty much devoutly conservative...I guess border lining on radically. I did not vote for Obama, I am not happy he won, and I hope the next four years go quickly. I had been nervous coming into this election. I wanted so badly for Romney to win. I realized that I was operating fearfully. I'm a fearful person, full of worry and what ifs. I really dislike that about myself. So I decided to change my perspective. I believe God is sovereign. I believe He alone gives governmental power and he takes it away. We fool ourselves into thinking we are in control, but everything is working out the way God has chosen. What He says will happen, WILL HAPPEN. This is so freeing. So liberating. For me. So, I chose to free myself of my fear. I did not dwell on the election coverage and results. I did not watch the news all day Tuesday. I did not get on Facebook, I did look up any results until right before I went to bed. There were moments in the day when I was tempted to go look. But overall it was so relaxing to ignore it and trust God for the outcome. Obviously, as a devout conservative, the outcome was not what I was hoping for. But I'm ok with it. My perspective is changed. It is such a good reminder to me that this world is not my home. Helps me with my eternal perspective. God has a plan, He's working it out right now, it will turn out just as He wants it to. And I'm deciding that that is good enough for me. There are several songs that have been running through my head this week. The opening line of one says, "Men will try to rule the world you made, but we know power is yours alone to give and take." I can't tell you how that comforts me! All power and authority are Gods alone!! Another one that has comforted me about many things says, "What if my greatest disappointments, or the aching of this life, is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy. What if trials of this life, the rains, the storms, the hardest nights, are your mercies in disguise." What an earth shaking truth for me. So things didn't go the way I had hoped. It's not the first time, it certainly won't be the last. But guess what? It's okay. Because, "My hope is in you Lord, all the day long. I won't be shaken by drought or storm. The peace that passes understanding is my song, and I sing, My hope is in you Lord!

No Halloween Here

So, we decided to skip Halloween this year. Not for any religious or political reason. We are Christians, but I've never felt that boycotting Halloween was a requirement for being saved. My parents didn't allow us to participate in Halloween and I always hated it, I didn't want to do that to my kids. I did go back and forth a little between how I was raised and making my own decision and finally decided that we would let our kids trick or treat. We usually only went to a few of the streets near ours. And once their buckets were full or they were bored and wanted to start digging in then we would head home. We never did the neighborhood hopping or running around all night trying to fill up a whole pillow case with candy. I don't understand why parents would want their kids to go out and collect that much candy. Just a few houses and we were done. Last year we only handed out candy because two of my kids were gone to a previous commitment and the other two and I just stayed home for a quiet night. This year we kinda planned to do the same. Not go out, but just have some activities at home and hand out candy. Then one of my girls said. " I don't really want to hand out candy." What? Uh, ok. Fine by me. So instead the girls helped me make dinner and pumpkin rolls (a fall must have in our family), and we watched a movie and painted pumpkins. It was fun. My girls really helped me in the kitchen, with minimal squabbling, and helped make a task I wasn't really looking forward to much more bearable. And it was nice to have a quiet but fun evening. This was our first time to paint pumpkins. It was fun, though I did get a little stressed by all the mess we had already made, and started to get a little overwhelmed. But it was a fun evening and I think my kids enjoyed it too. I hope we've found our new Halloween tradition because it was fun, peaceful, and so much cheaper than buying four costumes and candy to hand out. I'm am totally in no way usually a fun mom. I am a business mom. I have work to do, and I have four kids with a four year age difference from oldest to youngest, they can just play with each other. But this is truly one of my biggest regrets of mothering so far. That I didn't sit down and just be with my kids. I've always been here, they are "with me", but I'm always busy. So it's nice when I plan something to be fun, and it actually turns out that way.

And My Heart Heals a Little More

So I have four kids. Three of them are very typical, all American type kids. They play soccer and basketball, are involved in our church, get good grades, get along with others...just normal, typical kids. I love each of them dearly. They are precious gifts. Then I have my 4th child...she is one of my twins, but she is technically the youngest. She's not so typical, doesn't really do well in school. She is handicapped. She had bacterial meningitis when she was three weeks old and has a severe brain injury. She has many small issues. She's legally blind, profoundly deaf in one ear, she has cerebral palesy, hydrocephalus, in the last year or so she's developed a seizure problem that we thought we were past and, is just generally developmentally delayed. She has some relatively minor behavior issues that can be contributed partially to her seizure medicine that causes personality changes and partially to being babied a bit...just a bit;). I believe she will always live with me, or at least require some degree of care, she'll never drive, she'll likely never marry or have children, she won't go to the prom or to college, she won't have grandchildren or someone to grow old with. Now, on paper, she might seem like quite a large responsibility, and she is. But there's no way you can possibly make an accurate assessment of her on paper. She is so much more than all those issues. She has a good sense of humor, she's funny and sassy. She's incredibly friendly and accepting of anyone who is friendly back. She's so loving, and appreciative of the simplest things. She's very smart in her own way, and works very hard at trying to figure out her school work and the world around her. She enjoys life and rarely seems to realize that she has limitations. She sometimes says things she shouldn't because she doesn't filter very well. These are all things you can't tell by reading about her issues on paper, or seeing her go by in her wheelchair (that she has just for when we are going to out for along time...she can walk). She is ridiculously precious and I treasure her like nothing else. Because she wasn't supposed to survive the meningitis, and when she did they said her brain damage was so bad that she would never be anything more than a vegetable. That's excruciating news, nothing any parent would want or should have to deal with. There were times when I honestly thought I might die from having a broken heart. I definitely felt like I didn't want to live with that broken heart. But here we are, 7 years down the road from those most terrible days. Things are not perfect, she still has many issues and obstacles in her life. But my heart has healed. There are moments it's still broken...for the child I thought I'd have, for the experiences she won't get to have...for what could have been I guess. But we have healed a great deal in 7 years. She brings us so much joy and laughter and happiness, there's no way we couldn't have healed a little. There are moments that hurt our hearts for our precious daughter. Like when we quietly leave her with her grandma while we go do something that is not appropriate for her, or when she wants to do something she is physically unable to do, when we see her twin sister doing things that we can only hope she will do someday in the future. Then there are moments that heal our hearts. Like when she started to smile, started to talk, started to walk at three and a half. This weekend we had a moment that healed our hearts, I'm still on cloud nine over it. There is a soccer league for handicapped kids. When I looked into it before we all agreed that she was too small and fragile. Well, as I was walking out to my sons game this week we ran across the handicapped group. I stopped and talked to the leader just to get some info for next year. Much to my surprise and unbelievable delight they welcomed her to start playing right that instant. They gave her a uniform and off she went. She is so happy. SO HAPPY. She feels like she is just like her brother and sisters now. It's super precious...and my heart heals a little more.

Seriously?

So. I just saw another article on slate. It annoyed me and I didn't even read it. It was titled "Sidelined: Why are there still no women coaching men's sports? And why don't we care?" Seriously? Is this seriously what we are coming to? We have already established that I am not a feminist...well I am, just not a liberal feminist. But surely it doesn't take a "rather conservative" girl to see that this is just craziness. Is there ever going to be a line that we don't cross? A line where we say, this is for men and this is for women? How about, just so we can be fair, men start throwing a little girl, hissy fit about the fact that they have to come up with the technology for men to start carrying babies yet. Come on men, don't just stand there, all happy with yourself and stuff, stand up for yourself, lets hear some whining about all the things that women get and can do that you can't. It's really out of control if you ask me. While I agree there does need to be a little regulation on how women are treated in the work force, such as being paid the same wage for the same work as men, being treated respectfully in the workplace. Those are just human decency issues. Women getting to coach a professional men's football team? That's girls being whiny girls, giving us all a bad name. Want to know why there are jobs that just are men's jobs? Because men and women are different. Made equal in the eyes of The Lord, but for different purposes. And you know what? God called what he had made good....the men and the women. When God called His creation good He meant that it was fitting of Him, which is perfection. God made the women to be a suitable helper for the man. Not his slave, maid, or servant. His helper, to counsel, encourage, advise, and uplift him. Not to take over, not to boss, not to control. Very few of us operate the way God intended, but that's the way it should be. We should not feel oppressed, controlled, or minimized by this. We should feel loved, honored, protected. God gave us a natural protector. And instead of appreciating it, we fight it, we say we can do it all on our own, we say we don't need the gift God gave to us. I'm not saying I'm perfect, it's hard to relinquish control. But I absolutely appreciate my husbands role in our life. He works, he does the dirty work, the hard work, the heavy work, he has the final say on big financial matters, among other things. I gladly do the "women's" work. I do the cooking, cleaning, the majority of the child care, the doctors visits, and so on and so on. I'm very glad I don't have to go to work everyday and instead get to be home with my kids. I'm so glad for the financial support and willing heart of my husband to let me stay home. He has an ugly job that he doesn't enjoy, but he does it so I can be home. That makes me feel loved. Why is it so unacceptable for women to be women and men to be men in this day and age? Why can't we just be happy being who we are, who God made us to be? Oh wait. That's right. We've decided that God didn't make us, that we climbed out of the slime and magically ended up this way. Well guess what, that idea stinks, bad. For one, because its wrong, and for two because it devalues human life. We didn't accidentally end up here by being the strongest or biggest or toughest. We are here, we are the way we are, because God wanted us this way and made us this way. He has a purpose for each of us, and He loves us. When we see this truth then we can live with that purpose. It's ok to be who we are, to do what we were made to do. Instead of feeling like we need to scratch and claw our way to the top so we can stay the biggest, strongest, and toughest. I hope I never see the day that women coach professional men's sports. I won't feel like its a victory for women, but instead a defeat. Maybe more like a forfeiture, because it will be something we gave away, not something that was taken. You know I did read one little snippet of the article. There was apparently a women who was the head coach of an NBA development team, she seemingly did well, was respected, and guess what? She quit after one year in the position to go home and spend more time with her son....Interesting.

Why Did I Do That?

So I've spent the last 36 hours or so being sick. Nothing too terrible, just a little virus it seems. I'm certain I'll be 100% by morning, ready to face another week. My kids are old enough now to kinda take care of themselves. My oldest daughter, the little mother, very sweetly made sure her little sisters had the things they couldn't reach or take care of themselves and then repeatedly checked on me, asking if I was hungry or needed anything to drink. Such a princess she is. She made lunch for everyone. She sat near me a lot, as she often does. She's a mamas girl and I mostly love it. She's very mild mannered and easy to get along with, she's got a good sense of humor, she's extremely helpful and just wants so much to learn to do all the "domestic" stuff. She will often quietly do a little chore that I have a hard time keeping up with, without being asked or expecting any reward or privilege in return. She likes to be home, doesn't always want to go do things if I'm not going to go also. She's just a sweetheart, and I love her uncontrollably. And she took care of me all day. And then at bed time, I wasn't happy with how clean her room was and I yelled at her. And she cried. I hurt her feelings. I can't help but think that she was thinking. "I took care of you all day, why are you mad at me about this". I know that's what I'm thinking. So now it's late, my guilt is nagging at me, and she is sound asleep, as she should be, so I can't apologize to her. I failed again. I got angry about something dumb, unimportant. I never thought I'd be that mom who hurt her kids feelings over dumb, unimportant things. But I do, a lot I think. I hope that's not what they remember about me when they are grown. I hope I am able to show them that they are treasured and adored and valuable and special and more important than a messy room.

Bridezilla? No Thanks!

So I was just reading an article about a women who eloped, in it she put forth her reasons for why it was the right thing to do. Like how much time and money it takes to put a wedding together. And it got me thinking. When did we get into this era of bridezillas being acceptable/normal?? Have you ever watched that show? Or worse, had a little bridezilla in your life? I just don't get it. These two people want to get married. So that means that all the people they"love most" have to come together, throw expensive parties for them, be their errand girl, act like they are a flawless princess, make sure no one stresses them out, spend considerable amounts of money on the clothes for that one day, and I'm sure the list could go on and on. I really don't get it. I don't buy the well I spent a lot of money on the planning and dinner so...still was your choice. I just really hate the culture that says this is the way it is now. Where everything needs to be more elaborate, more indulgent, more self centered. I had the simplest wedding. My hubby and I had a child when we were teenagers. We decided to get married two months after he was born. It was all planned in like a week. Only our immediate family was invited and we had hot dogs at my brothers house afterwards. I'm not going to act like it was what I always dreamed of as little girl, but I was just as married as anyone else by the end of the day. We always said we would have a real wedding in a year or two, but the realities of life hit us...a child to raise, a second baby on the way by our 1st anniversary, finances, time, and in all honesty, interest. We lost interest. Life goes on, the one thing I really feel I missed out on is the pictures. We didn't have a professional photographer and my hair turned out to be an atrocity that day. None of the pictures we have are or ever will be displayed in our house...I kinda regret that for my 3 daughters sake. But there are more important things than a big elaborate wedding. I'm not saying they are inherently self centered. Weddings are a beautiful thing to share with your loves ones, but they sure can turn in to a "me me me fest". Why do we have to be so self centered in this country? Why do we feel the need to appear better than those around us? What happened to the weddings that served only cake and punch (for the record, I do not encourage or recommend only serving cake and punch, despite my ranting I expect a full meal when I go to a wedding. What I'm really referring to when I say that is a change of attitude, not menu). I think we need to just stop being so stuck up and prideful and selfish. That's all. Ok, there's one more thing I missed out on. I never registered for or received the standard gifts to start a household. We had to slowly put all that together ourselves...but maybe that's not such a bad thing, I don't have all the nicest accessories and place settings and dishes and bath towels. I have what I earned. What we could afford with what we worked for. I don't know, I think kinda think that might be the best thing we got from our wedding.

Wife Needed

So I'm a conservative gal...one could even say I'm rather conservative. But I'll tell you one thing, there are times when I totally get the polygamy thing. Like tonight, I'm tired, I'm kinda done with this week already. But my house is a mess, my laundry needs some of my undivided attention, my kitchen is half clean (because my hubby was kind enough to do the dishes while I had child #3 at soccer, therefore it is not 100% dirty...or clean), and to top it all off-I've had a significant case of pms this week....maybe 2 weeks. So with all that said, I could use another wife. You know how on that show two of the wives work and one is like the stay at home mom. And she's there when the kids get home and she makes dinner and does laundry and shopping and the other ones work all day and then come home and dinner is made and they sit down and eat...kinda like a lot of men normally do. It's because those two who work have a wife. They have a wife that does all the wife/mom things. I need one of those. Someone who keeps things going when I don't feel like it. One time I was sick for several weeks. And I mean super sick, like sick in bed could barely getup to use the bathroom sick for several weeks. My hubby was telling me that he was keeping up with the house out there, but bless his heart, it took me more than a week to get my house back in running condition when I was finally back on my feet. This is because he is not a wife. He very willingly let's me stay home. It was really tough in the early years to give up a second income, but we made the choice and started trying to live with it. Now I am convinced that having a stay at home wife really changes things in a mans mind. I think men become convinced that if they have a stay at home wife, who brings in no money, then they in return should have to do no work at home, should be waited on like a king or something. Now, while I can agree and accept that when one spouse doesn't work, the division of labor in the home should be aligned differently than when both spouses work....I get that, I'm down with it, I wanted to stay home, that's what I signed up for. But people, please. There has to be a boundary. A line where the man steps in and takes care of things and the household carries on. Rare is the man who can do this. What my husband calls clean is not what I call clean. But there is a perfectly good explanation for this. He's a man, a husband to be exact. Not a wife. I need me a wife to pick up where I just can't quite pull it all together. Yep, a wife would be awesome. Now if she tries sleeping with my hubby....there's going to be problems.

I Should Have This Figured Out

So, my hubby and I have been married for over 11 years, we have an 11, 9, and two 7 year olds. I have been a stay at home mom full time for the last 7 years, and off and on for about two years before that. I really enjoy being home. I have not always enjoyed the house work, but in more recent years have grown to embrace and even enjoy being a home maker, and all that it entails. So here is the problem. Why can't I keep up with it all the time. Why is it that one week I keep up with it all like I'm Martha Stewart, and the next week it's like I've been thrown into an alternative universe and I don't know how it operates. I get behind in the laundry, I just can't quite get the kitchen really pulled together. And I just sit on the couch and wonder what to do with it all. Eh. Oh well. Surely I'm not the only one. Surely there are other moms who have their acts together one day and are train wrecks the next. I'm just gonna keep telling myself that.

But I Don't Want To Be The Mom Today

My house is a wreck, I need to work on my laundry, I need to homeschool my daughter, I can't even remember the last time my bedroom and bathroom were clean. I'm sitting here thinking of all the things I need to do, but all I want to do is take a nap. I want to take a nap and not wake up sweaty. I'm so over the heat around here, sometimes it feels like all we have is summer. I want a nice fall and winter. My kids still aren't doing their chores. All this brings me to my profound thought of the day: Being a mom is hard. I'm tired, I want a break. Like a real one, not just 30 minutes here and there. I'm tired, worn down...being a mom is hard. And then I feel guilty. I don't want to be tired of being a mom. I don't want to be a grouchy mom. But I am. I want to enjoy my little lovies. Their time with me is fleeting. I wish my tired body and mind would realize that....but it doesn't seem to care. I know I'll feel better, I'll drink my Pepsi, I'll take a nap, I'll get caught up on my house work, and I'll think for a few minutes that I have this down...until the next time it gets out of control.

The New Feminist

So, I in no way would be interested in starting a big debate or controversy. I believe what I believe, and I believe you are entitled to believe what you want to believe. It's unlikely that anyone is going to cause me to change my views, and I can understand and accept that it's unlikely I'll change yours. I'm ok with all that. But I do have very strong views about a lot of things. I was raised very conservatively and I have remained conservative. I think conservatives make themselves look bad. I'm not a liberal and don't like or agree with pretty much anything they stand for. So that's where I'm coming from. But the point here today is to talk about feminism. I hate what feminism has become. It doesn't empower women. I honestly don't know much about what feminists believe and promote other than that a woman can do everything a man can do and that no one can tell a women what to do with her body (meaning she should be free to abort any baby she doesn't feel like having). So since I can not eloquently or accurately comment on what liberal feminism is, I will instead comment on what real feminism should be. Women should love being women and embrace all that it entails. Why in the world would we want to do everything that men do, we are not men...we are women. In my house, I don't wash the cars, I don't do yardwork, I don't take the car to the mechanic, I don't move or lift heavy things, I don't answer the door when someone comes over unexpectedly late at night. My husband does these things, they are his role in our family, among other things. My role? I stay home and take care of our four children. I keep our house clean...relatively, I make my kids school lunches, make dinner every night. I give my kids a bath and put them to bed, I do the laundry, take my kids to school and pick them up, either my husband or myself go on every field trip they have, I take them to the Dr. and then take care of them when they are sick, I'm here when they fall and get hurt, when they argue, when they get their feelings hurt, I pull their teeth and I put their bandaids on. I homeschool my youngest daughter who has special needs, I babysit two kids who I love, I volunteer at my church...among other things. I love staying home. I've wanted to be home ever since I had my first child as a teenager. I want to be with my kids, I want to raise them, train them, love them, and just be there. I just want to be with my kids. This is feminism...being feminine. I don't want to do everything men do because I'm not a man. I'm a women and I take great joy in doing what women do. Wouldn't it be amazing if this became the new feminism? If women went home and took care of their kids and enjoyed it. If society didn't tell women they weren't contributing if they weren't working outside their homes, if we quit buying the lie that jobs and positions and titles and money could make us happy. If we quit thinking that having every THING is what life is about, if we could quit chasing THINGS, and start chasing relationships. Wouldn't the world...or at least America be a different place. Women be women, do it proudly, do it well. Let men be men, let them do it well. It's ok to play our role. It's ok! I totally realize this can't work for everyone. There are single moms, or families that just really require two incomes to get by. I get that, I understand. But if you can stay home with your kids, and be a home maker, then quit buying the lie that you can do more for the world by working. There's no better use of your time and your life than to be there with your kids. Here's the bottom line for me. The question has been asked of numerous conservative families. Are you just raising your daughters to be moms? Whew, that makes my blood boil a little. The answer is yes! I want grand children so I am very hopeful that I am raising my daughters to be mothers. I hope they desire and are given the option and choose to be stay at home moms. Here's why: if they think they want to be moms I hope it's because they have seen and appreciated the value in what I have spent my life doing for them. So I think real feminism is letting women do what women were made to do, not telling them they are worthless unless they do everything the men do.

Frustration

So I'm frustrated this week. Just frustrated. My kids haven't been doing their chores. My son (who does so well in school, like seriously is super smart) is so slow and not diligent at doing his homework that I feel it is my duty as an (allegedly) responsible parent to take him out of after school activities. My car needs new brakes...again. My dog just can't quite get house trained.... I'm sure I could come up with a few others if I put my mind to it. It's all just annoying. I've had other periods of life when I felt this same annoyance. It was when my kids were much younger. I felt like all I did was laundry. Like I could never really get caught up on it, almost like it controlled my life. One day I was working on it, it was a mound. I was overwhelmed and feeling unappreciated. I was really complaining on the inside, pretty much had a really terrible attitude. Then something happened that I'll never forget. God spoke to me. It wasn't audible. But it was so impressed on my heart that it was unmistakeable. God said to me, "Would it be better if there was only 3 sets of clothes instead of 4...would your life be easier then?". I froze. I looked at my laundry for my family of 6. What really stood out to me was all the baby clothes for my twins. My precious twins. I almost lost one of my twins to bacterial meningitis. She very nearly died and nothing but God's hand of grace and mercy saved her. So, I got over my pity party. I folded and hung up those clothes. All the while thinking about how much I adored the little bodies that had dirtied them. I still don't like laundry, I still on occasion have to go back to that moment and remember what God taught me. Remember how blessed I am. How the boring, unpleasant, mundanities of being a stay at home mom are really the result of being extremely blessed. I have a lot of laundry because I have 4 kids running around, having fun, getting dirty. I have lots of dishes because I have 4 healthy kids who eat food that I am blessed by God to be able to provide for them. There was a time I didn't believe my kids would ever grow up, but I now know this time is fleeting. I want to enjoy it, not begrudge it. I am blessed far beyond what I deserve. Its so easy to get caught up in our own "problems" and forget about our blessings. There are people truly suffering in this world...my car's brakes don't count as suffering. There are people suffering the heartbreak of losing a child...I have 4 sweet kids to tuck in every night, even though they haven't done their chores. So, today I will choose thankfulness. For my house, aging car, my hubby, my precious kids. My life is good, there is absolutely nothing for me to complain about...thank you Lord!

Where My Heart Is

So I read a story tonight that naturally had me in tears. It was about a man who does triathlons and such with his disabled 13 year old daughter. Very similar to the Hoyt family, which just makes me cry buckets. Besides just being human and having a heart, it really struck accord with me because I have a disabled child. She is not disabled to the same degree that this sweet girl is. She can walk and talk and do many things for herself. But she is handicapped. I think she'll probably always live with us, or at least require some level of care. It's so precious to see the love these parents have for these children. These are people that society writes off as invaluable, unimportant. People that we would look the other way when we see them. I shamefully admit that I too do this. Mostly out of discomfort, not knowing what to do. I don't want to make them feel as though I'm staring...but do I make them feel invisible? I don't know. I dont know how best to handle that situation. I do know this. I know why those men do that for their children. I know that I am overwhelmed with feelings for my daughter. I just quite simply adore her. I love all my children, I would do anything for each of them, but theres just something about my disabled daughter. I adore her. She is so completely precious to me. Maybe almost losing her changes my perspective? Maybe sorrow for the life she can't live? Maybe. Those things do make me sad. Break my heart really. She'll never get to play on the same sports teams with her twin sister. She'll never drive. She'll probably never live completely independently. She'll probably never get married or have children. Which means she'll never have grandchildren. Who will take care of her when I'm gone? Who will treat her the way I want her to be treated? Who will see how special and precious she is and treat her accordingly? These are all things that break and strike fear in my heart. I'm not 100% sure what the point is here tonight. I just know that I adore my daughter. I can't bear the thought of her being mistreated or treated like she is invalid, and inconvenience. She is so much more than the things that you see outwardly. She is my daughter, whom I love, whom I sacrifice for , whom I have cried countless tears over, who fills me with joy, for whom I gladly give up the plans I had for my life. So treat her well. And treat every disabled person you meet well because they have someone somewhere feeling all these same things for them...and if they don't? Then they deserve for you to treat them well even more. This is rambling and I think it doesn't make much sense. But it's my heart.

And Then My Life Was Changed

So, just about a year ago we got a dog. The kids had been wanting one F-O-R-E-V-E-R. Me? Not so much. I felt my kids were enough for me. I neither needed nor wanted anything else that poops. But, their disproportionate excitement over winning a goldfish at the fair and their subsequent devastation after said prize very predictably died two days later led my husband and I to think that perhaps it was time to get a real pet. We were not interested in investing much, if any, money in to this dog so that limited our options. Lucky for us we ended up getting a sweet dog from a friend who needed to find a new home for their dog. She was/is just perfect for us. Perfect temperament for annoying kids and just a super sweet dog....the perfect first pet. So we went on with our lives, dog now included. I noticed and became annoyed with the dog hair. It was kinda everywhere. I wear a lot of black clothes and our dog is primarily white...bad combo. I had this tinge of regret...why did we do this, I had enough dust and dirt in my house without adding in dog hair...oh well, the kids were far too attached, I was most definitely stuck with this dog. Then about 6 months ago my hubby starts thinking he wants another dog. Whaaaat? What? I like the one we have, why change things? But next thing I know we have another dog that another friend was needing a home for...whatever. This dog I'm not as thrilled with. She is extremely cute, but among other thing she is not fully house trained. This momma does not like that. But once again, the kids are attached, I'm stuck with her....and she is just melt you heart small and cute. Now summer is upon us...you know like when it's hot and dogs shed their coats. No bueno. So I'm pretty much feeling hopeless over the dog hair situation. My house is being over run with dog hair dust bunnies and I just can't keep up, my vacuum can't keep up. It was a bad situation. On most days there was about 0% chance that my kids were going to mke it out the door not being covered in dog hair. I was becoming a little despondent over the situation. Finally I decided it was time for a new vacuum. The old one was clearly not up to the challenge. So I started looking around. Well it seemed the vacuums most recommended for dealing with pet hair were a little out of my price range. And the ones in my price range had mixed reviews. I only have carpet in the bedrooms so I didn't feel like I wanted to spend a lot of money. So I was a little discouraged. I didn't want to waste money on something that wouldn't work and didn't want to spend a lot of money. And then I saw it. There was a coupon for a shark vacuum in the Costco coupons. It called out to me. From the prices I looked up on line it looked like this was a little out of my price range, but I just had to go and check it out when I made my monthly trip to Costco. Turns out that with the coupon it was right in my price range, like the exact price I was wanting to spend. So I snatched that thing right up. I assembled it as soon as I got home and went right to work. Now. To say that this vacuum is good is a gross understatement. This vacuum is FANTASTIC! Just perfect!! Vacuums up all the dog hair with ease and also is great on my floors that don't have carpet. My life is different now...better. I have been vacuuming anything and everything for days. I am not exaggerating when I tell you that the air quality in my house is better. I have cleaned things that I have never cleaned in the 7 years we have lives in this house. I want to clean just so I can use my fantabulous vacuum. It's a little crazy that I feel this way over a vacuum, but I do. I mean I'm a stay at home mom, what else do I have. I love my new shark vacuum. I would recommend it to anyone. It was well worth every penny I paid.

Been A While...Again

Wow, I guess it has been more than a little while. I actually am surprised that I could even still log in to this blog. But in truth, I would totally love to start blogging regularly. I have just recently become interested in reading other people's blogs, and I really enjoy it. And then I think to my self...I could do this...why don't I do this??...and then I thought to myself...wait, I have done this (briefly) and I could do it again. So it took a small amount of effort to look this blog back up and just like that, I'm back in business.
 So, all the things I said before are still holding true. I am still a stay at home mom, I am still loving it, I still have four kids (thank God!)...so I guess in the big picture everything is still the same from a few years back. But...actually everything is different. My kids are bigger for one:(. I don't have babies anymore. I have kids. They are all in school and are growing and maturing and it's so fun...mixed with sad;). I am homeschooling my special needs child. That is a challenge. I am very seriously considering homeschooling my other three children in the near future...that will be infinitely more challenging. We have made major changes in the way we parent our children and the future goals we have for our family...all for the best if you ask me. We are definitely not the people we were when I first started this blog. I am ready to embrace those changes and run with them. To stop caring what the world thinks and do what is right for my family. It is uncertain but exciting times around here, and I hope to start sharing it on this blog!

It's Been A While

So, as it turns out, this blogging thing is not as easy as I thought. It's not too easy to think of something interesting to say...very often. Though there are lots of moments of hilarity, there are also lots of moments of monotonous boredom in the life of a stay at home mom.
Does anyone really want to hear about how I can't quite keep up with my laundry? How you shouldn't drop in on me and expect my bathroom to be clean enough for company? How I can't even remember the last time my bedroom was clean?
There's not too much excitement in all of these daily facts of my life.
I guess the most exciting things that have happened recently is that I have had sick kids, a little strep throat has been going around. When I was at the pharmacy to pick up antibiotics, my son proudly announced my pin number to everyone in the vicinity after he watched me pay....go ahead and steal my pin, I assure you it won't be worth the criminal effort.
It's just been daily life around here: school, laundry, cooking, dishes, baths, Dr. appointments, naps....all the regular stuff.
I am quite excited that my little peanut is going to soon be getting hearing aides, that will be great! And I did, with a lot of help from my sister in law, give my new 7 year old a fabulously girly makeover party.
Other than that it has just been regular life around here.

A Resolution?

So it's another new year. Makes me start to think of a possible resolution. Of course the most common one I'm sure is to lose weight. This is certainly the one my mind goes to every year. However, I've decided to change my thinking this year. No more resolutions for me....because I never do them anyway, and then I just feel like a loser. Want some examples?
One year, after having twins, I was determined that I would get my flat stomach back...determined I tell you. I was going to do sit ups, how hard could they be. Being a reasonable and realistic person, I decided to start with 10. I knew my limitations, I was not in good shape, and had just 6 months earlier delivered twins by c-section; I knew it was best to take it easy. Buuut, really, how hard could some sit ups be? I would do 25...just for starters. So I set to it. That first day was my last day doing sit ups. By the time I got to #3, out of 25, I was feeling light headed, nauseous, and was pretty sure I was about to come down with a migraine.
That was my first serious New Years Resolution FAIL.
Another year, I was going to start running. How hard could a little jog be? I would just job around my neighborhood...I think it was about a fourth of mile loop. So I started out. By the time I got to the corner I was pretty sure I was going to throw up and then pass out right there in the street. It's probably important to mention that I live three houses from the corner....sad, I know.
That was FAIL #2
Next on my list of grand ideas was the P90X workout DVDs. They don't look that hard on the TV, right? I can go at my own pace really, the guy says to do as much as I can, not as much as he is doing. I was so excited, I was all in. I was finally going to be skinny again.
Has anyone else tried P90X? It's pretty hard, rather hard I would probably say. Hard enough that I started crying in the middle of the first DVD. In my defense it was really, really, really hard. However, I don't think my hubby has ever been more ashamed to be married to me.
That was FAIL #3
We don't even really need to get into the other attempts. Me flailing my rhythmically challenged body around trying to do step aerobics, how my hubby found out that our treadmill had been left in the rain when he went to get on it and it just would go faster and faster (this is a dangerous situation for a...uh...hubby who has...uh...not kept in the best of shape), and I'm sure I don't need to tell you how badly I failed when I thought I could lose weight by cleaning the house quickly. (I think those How Clean Is Your House ladies are full of it!)
In light of all this I am going to do things different this year. I'm just going to go on with it. If I start some sort of exercise, GREAT...if not, well hopefully I'll be less disappointed with myself this time.
Besides, I'm not willing to give up my "I just had twins....5 years ago" excuse just yet. I think it still has a few good years left in it!

How I Became A Mother

I love being a mother. I love staying home with my children, I love seeing all the funny things they do and say. I do run out of patience....often, but I still wouldn't change it for the world.
Sometimes I start to feel a little bit like I'm not contributing anything to society, like I would like to do more than I am, be important to someone other than the occupants of my house.
I hear so many women talk about their professions, what they do all day, the people they meet; and pathetically think to myself that the only thing I could add to the conversation is how quickly I can change a diaper and how it doesn't even gross me out when snot flies everywhere when my baby sneezes.
It can be quite isolating to have young children...especially when you have a multitude of them. Still, I would never want to miss these years of their lives. There will, hopefully, be so many more years that I can work, but I only have these few fleeting years when I can be home, and have them all to myself and let them have me all to themselves.
For this reason I love being a mother. I never thought that I would be here where I am at this point in my life.
I had my first child as a teenager. I found out I was pregnant a few months after I graduated from high school. It was shocking, I never thought that I would be that girl. I was raised in a very conservative Christian home, I knew better...but I did IT anyway. I was scared, I didn't know what to do. My family was nothing less than completely supportive even though they were disappointed. I went back and forth for months between keeping the baby and adoption. In the end I decided to keep the baby, his father was not supportive of adoption, and neither were my parents.
I had a baby boy. Two months later his father and I decided to get married.
I wasn't the best mother you will ever find. My new hubby and I both worked at night and stayed up late. Therefore, we let him stay up; therefore, we all slept late as well. I didn't feed him well....I propped his bottles up with a teddy bear and have pictures of him sitting in his crib eating french fries when he was less than a year old. He survived...he's actually my healthiest eater now.
I went on to be a baby making machine....or at least I felt that way. I had three more children in the next four year. In the interest of full disclosure, this does include a set of twins.
Eight years later I still am struggling with patience. I'm in my last year of having any children at home full time. My babies will be going to kindergarten, I'll be alone. Alone? I'm not sure I know what that is anymore. How will it feel? What will I do? I'm sure I'll figure it out!
There have been plenty of other challenges along the way....when to make the jump from working mother to stay at home mother, when to give up and buy the minivan, what to do with three daughters separated by only two years.
There have been more serious issues as well....the financial challenges of a growing family and shrinking income, a child's serious illness which turned into my biggest challenge as a motherin the form of a child with special needs.
Motherhood has definitely been a journey, a fun journey, a sleepless journey, a cute journey, a heartbreaking journey. I think I have felt every emotion. I have gone from the painful depths of the near death of one of my babies to the "joys" of taking four kids to Disneyland.
There's lots of challenges. I haven't enjoyed all of them, but I don't regret any of them. HOWEVER, if I am being completely honest, I do cringe to think about what is ahead.