No Halloween Here

So, we decided to skip Halloween this year. Not for any religious or political reason. We are Christians, but I've never felt that boycotting Halloween was a requirement for being saved. My parents didn't allow us to participate in Halloween and I always hated it, I didn't want to do that to my kids. I did go back and forth a little between how I was raised and making my own decision and finally decided that we would let our kids trick or treat. We usually only went to a few of the streets near ours. And once their buckets were full or they were bored and wanted to start digging in then we would head home. We never did the neighborhood hopping or running around all night trying to fill up a whole pillow case with candy. I don't understand why parents would want their kids to go out and collect that much candy. Just a few houses and we were done. Last year we only handed out candy because two of my kids were gone to a previous commitment and the other two and I just stayed home for a quiet night. This year we kinda planned to do the same. Not go out, but just have some activities at home and hand out candy. Then one of my girls said. " I don't really want to hand out candy." What? Uh, ok. Fine by me. So instead the girls helped me make dinner and pumpkin rolls (a fall must have in our family), and we watched a movie and painted pumpkins. It was fun. My girls really helped me in the kitchen, with minimal squabbling, and helped make a task I wasn't really looking forward to much more bearable. And it was nice to have a quiet but fun evening. This was our first time to paint pumpkins. It was fun, though I did get a little stressed by all the mess we had already made, and started to get a little overwhelmed. But it was a fun evening and I think my kids enjoyed it too. I hope we've found our new Halloween tradition because it was fun, peaceful, and so much cheaper than buying four costumes and candy to hand out. I'm am totally in no way usually a fun mom. I am a business mom. I have work to do, and I have four kids with a four year age difference from oldest to youngest, they can just play with each other. But this is truly one of my biggest regrets of mothering so far. That I didn't sit down and just be with my kids. I've always been here, they are "with me", but I'm always busy. So it's nice when I plan something to be fun, and it actually turns out that way.

And My Heart Heals a Little More

So I have four kids. Three of them are very typical, all American type kids. They play soccer and basketball, are involved in our church, get good grades, get along with others...just normal, typical kids. I love each of them dearly. They are precious gifts. Then I have my 4th child...she is one of my twins, but she is technically the youngest. She's not so typical, doesn't really do well in school. She is handicapped. She had bacterial meningitis when she was three weeks old and has a severe brain injury. She has many small issues. She's legally blind, profoundly deaf in one ear, she has cerebral palesy, hydrocephalus, in the last year or so she's developed a seizure problem that we thought we were past and, is just generally developmentally delayed. She has some relatively minor behavior issues that can be contributed partially to her seizure medicine that causes personality changes and partially to being babied a bit...just a bit;). I believe she will always live with me, or at least require some degree of care, she'll never drive, she'll likely never marry or have children, she won't go to the prom or to college, she won't have grandchildren or someone to grow old with. Now, on paper, she might seem like quite a large responsibility, and she is. But there's no way you can possibly make an accurate assessment of her on paper. She is so much more than all those issues. She has a good sense of humor, she's funny and sassy. She's incredibly friendly and accepting of anyone who is friendly back. She's so loving, and appreciative of the simplest things. She's very smart in her own way, and works very hard at trying to figure out her school work and the world around her. She enjoys life and rarely seems to realize that she has limitations. She sometimes says things she shouldn't because she doesn't filter very well. These are all things you can't tell by reading about her issues on paper, or seeing her go by in her wheelchair (that she has just for when we are going to out for along time...she can walk). She is ridiculously precious and I treasure her like nothing else. Because she wasn't supposed to survive the meningitis, and when she did they said her brain damage was so bad that she would never be anything more than a vegetable. That's excruciating news, nothing any parent would want or should have to deal with. There were times when I honestly thought I might die from having a broken heart. I definitely felt like I didn't want to live with that broken heart. But here we are, 7 years down the road from those most terrible days. Things are not perfect, she still has many issues and obstacles in her life. But my heart has healed. There are moments it's still broken...for the child I thought I'd have, for the experiences she won't get to have...for what could have been I guess. But we have healed a great deal in 7 years. She brings us so much joy and laughter and happiness, there's no way we couldn't have healed a little. There are moments that hurt our hearts for our precious daughter. Like when we quietly leave her with her grandma while we go do something that is not appropriate for her, or when she wants to do something she is physically unable to do, when we see her twin sister doing things that we can only hope she will do someday in the future. Then there are moments that heal our hearts. Like when she started to smile, started to talk, started to walk at three and a half. This weekend we had a moment that healed our hearts, I'm still on cloud nine over it. There is a soccer league for handicapped kids. When I looked into it before we all agreed that she was too small and fragile. Well, as I was walking out to my sons game this week we ran across the handicapped group. I stopped and talked to the leader just to get some info for next year. Much to my surprise and unbelievable delight they welcomed her to start playing right that instant. They gave her a uniform and off she went. She is so happy. SO HAPPY. She feels like she is just like her brother and sisters now. It's super precious...and my heart heals a little more.

Why Did I Do That?

So I've spent the last 36 hours or so being sick. Nothing too terrible, just a little virus it seems. I'm certain I'll be 100% by morning, ready to face another week. My kids are old enough now to kinda take care of themselves. My oldest daughter, the little mother, very sweetly made sure her little sisters had the things they couldn't reach or take care of themselves and then repeatedly checked on me, asking if I was hungry or needed anything to drink. Such a princess she is. She made lunch for everyone. She sat near me a lot, as she often does. She's a mamas girl and I mostly love it. She's very mild mannered and easy to get along with, she's got a good sense of humor, she's extremely helpful and just wants so much to learn to do all the "domestic" stuff. She will often quietly do a little chore that I have a hard time keeping up with, without being asked or expecting any reward or privilege in return. She likes to be home, doesn't always want to go do things if I'm not going to go also. She's just a sweetheart, and I love her uncontrollably. And she took care of me all day. And then at bed time, I wasn't happy with how clean her room was and I yelled at her. And she cried. I hurt her feelings. I can't help but think that she was thinking. "I took care of you all day, why are you mad at me about this". I know that's what I'm thinking. So now it's late, my guilt is nagging at me, and she is sound asleep, as she should be, so I can't apologize to her. I failed again. I got angry about something dumb, unimportant. I never thought I'd be that mom who hurt her kids feelings over dumb, unimportant things. But I do, a lot I think. I hope that's not what they remember about me when they are grown. I hope I am able to show them that they are treasured and adored and valuable and special and more important than a messy room.

I Should Have This Figured Out

So, my hubby and I have been married for over 11 years, we have an 11, 9, and two 7 year olds. I have been a stay at home mom full time for the last 7 years, and off and on for about two years before that. I really enjoy being home. I have not always enjoyed the house work, but in more recent years have grown to embrace and even enjoy being a home maker, and all that it entails. So here is the problem. Why can't I keep up with it all the time. Why is it that one week I keep up with it all like I'm Martha Stewart, and the next week it's like I've been thrown into an alternative universe and I don't know how it operates. I get behind in the laundry, I just can't quite get the kitchen really pulled together. And I just sit on the couch and wonder what to do with it all. Eh. Oh well. Surely I'm not the only one. Surely there are other moms who have their acts together one day and are train wrecks the next. I'm just gonna keep telling myself that.

But I Don't Want To Be The Mom Today

My house is a wreck, I need to work on my laundry, I need to homeschool my daughter, I can't even remember the last time my bedroom and bathroom were clean. I'm sitting here thinking of all the things I need to do, but all I want to do is take a nap. I want to take a nap and not wake up sweaty. I'm so over the heat around here, sometimes it feels like all we have is summer. I want a nice fall and winter. My kids still aren't doing their chores. All this brings me to my profound thought of the day: Being a mom is hard. I'm tired, I want a break. Like a real one, not just 30 minutes here and there. I'm tired, worn down...being a mom is hard. And then I feel guilty. I don't want to be tired of being a mom. I don't want to be a grouchy mom. But I am. I want to enjoy my little lovies. Their time with me is fleeting. I wish my tired body and mind would realize that....but it doesn't seem to care. I know I'll feel better, I'll drink my Pepsi, I'll take a nap, I'll get caught up on my house work, and I'll think for a few minutes that I have this down...until the next time it gets out of control.

The New Feminist

So, I in no way would be interested in starting a big debate or controversy. I believe what I believe, and I believe you are entitled to believe what you want to believe. It's unlikely that anyone is going to cause me to change my views, and I can understand and accept that it's unlikely I'll change yours. I'm ok with all that. But I do have very strong views about a lot of things. I was raised very conservatively and I have remained conservative. I think conservatives make themselves look bad. I'm not a liberal and don't like or agree with pretty much anything they stand for. So that's where I'm coming from. But the point here today is to talk about feminism. I hate what feminism has become. It doesn't empower women. I honestly don't know much about what feminists believe and promote other than that a woman can do everything a man can do and that no one can tell a women what to do with her body (meaning she should be free to abort any baby she doesn't feel like having). So since I can not eloquently or accurately comment on what liberal feminism is, I will instead comment on what real feminism should be. Women should love being women and embrace all that it entails. Why in the world would we want to do everything that men do, we are not men...we are women. In my house, I don't wash the cars, I don't do yardwork, I don't take the car to the mechanic, I don't move or lift heavy things, I don't answer the door when someone comes over unexpectedly late at night. My husband does these things, they are his role in our family, among other things. My role? I stay home and take care of our four children. I keep our house clean...relatively, I make my kids school lunches, make dinner every night. I give my kids a bath and put them to bed, I do the laundry, take my kids to school and pick them up, either my husband or myself go on every field trip they have, I take them to the Dr. and then take care of them when they are sick, I'm here when they fall and get hurt, when they argue, when they get their feelings hurt, I pull their teeth and I put their bandaids on. I homeschool my youngest daughter who has special needs, I babysit two kids who I love, I volunteer at my church...among other things. I love staying home. I've wanted to be home ever since I had my first child as a teenager. I want to be with my kids, I want to raise them, train them, love them, and just be there. I just want to be with my kids. This is feminism...being feminine. I don't want to do everything men do because I'm not a man. I'm a women and I take great joy in doing what women do. Wouldn't it be amazing if this became the new feminism? If women went home and took care of their kids and enjoyed it. If society didn't tell women they weren't contributing if they weren't working outside their homes, if we quit buying the lie that jobs and positions and titles and money could make us happy. If we quit thinking that having every THING is what life is about, if we could quit chasing THINGS, and start chasing relationships. Wouldn't the world...or at least America be a different place. Women be women, do it proudly, do it well. Let men be men, let them do it well. It's ok to play our role. It's ok! I totally realize this can't work for everyone. There are single moms, or families that just really require two incomes to get by. I get that, I understand. But if you can stay home with your kids, and be a home maker, then quit buying the lie that you can do more for the world by working. There's no better use of your time and your life than to be there with your kids. Here's the bottom line for me. The question has been asked of numerous conservative families. Are you just raising your daughters to be moms? Whew, that makes my blood boil a little. The answer is yes! I want grand children so I am very hopeful that I am raising my daughters to be mothers. I hope they desire and are given the option and choose to be stay at home moms. Here's why: if they think they want to be moms I hope it's because they have seen and appreciated the value in what I have spent my life doing for them. So I think real feminism is letting women do what women were made to do, not telling them they are worthless unless they do everything the men do.

How I Became A Mother

I love being a mother. I love staying home with my children, I love seeing all the funny things they do and say. I do run out of patience....often, but I still wouldn't change it for the world.
Sometimes I start to feel a little bit like I'm not contributing anything to society, like I would like to do more than I am, be important to someone other than the occupants of my house.
I hear so many women talk about their professions, what they do all day, the people they meet; and pathetically think to myself that the only thing I could add to the conversation is how quickly I can change a diaper and how it doesn't even gross me out when snot flies everywhere when my baby sneezes.
It can be quite isolating to have young children...especially when you have a multitude of them. Still, I would never want to miss these years of their lives. There will, hopefully, be so many more years that I can work, but I only have these few fleeting years when I can be home, and have them all to myself and let them have me all to themselves.
For this reason I love being a mother. I never thought that I would be here where I am at this point in my life.
I had my first child as a teenager. I found out I was pregnant a few months after I graduated from high school. It was shocking, I never thought that I would be that girl. I was raised in a very conservative Christian home, I knew better...but I did IT anyway. I was scared, I didn't know what to do. My family was nothing less than completely supportive even though they were disappointed. I went back and forth for months between keeping the baby and adoption. In the end I decided to keep the baby, his father was not supportive of adoption, and neither were my parents.
I had a baby boy. Two months later his father and I decided to get married.
I wasn't the best mother you will ever find. My new hubby and I both worked at night and stayed up late. Therefore, we let him stay up; therefore, we all slept late as well. I didn't feed him well....I propped his bottles up with a teddy bear and have pictures of him sitting in his crib eating french fries when he was less than a year old. He survived...he's actually my healthiest eater now.
I went on to be a baby making machine....or at least I felt that way. I had three more children in the next four year. In the interest of full disclosure, this does include a set of twins.
Eight years later I still am struggling with patience. I'm in my last year of having any children at home full time. My babies will be going to kindergarten, I'll be alone. Alone? I'm not sure I know what that is anymore. How will it feel? What will I do? I'm sure I'll figure it out!
There have been plenty of other challenges along the way....when to make the jump from working mother to stay at home mother, when to give up and buy the minivan, what to do with three daughters separated by only two years.
There have been more serious issues as well....the financial challenges of a growing family and shrinking income, a child's serious illness which turned into my biggest challenge as a motherin the form of a child with special needs.
Motherhood has definitely been a journey, a fun journey, a sleepless journey, a cute journey, a heartbreaking journey. I think I have felt every emotion. I have gone from the painful depths of the near death of one of my babies to the "joys" of taking four kids to Disneyland.
There's lots of challenges. I haven't enjoyed all of them, but I don't regret any of them. HOWEVER, if I am being completely honest, I do cringe to think about what is ahead.