Starting Back Up

Now that the holidays have passed I'm going to try to get back into blogging. We had a wonderful Christmas, really wonderful. I have a great family and I love to be able to spend time with them. I love having my kids home from school. Every year when Christmas break is abou over I think man, it would be great to homeschool them and have them here all the time...I'm not quite ready to make that jump, but maybe soon. We made a trip to the coast and a quick trip to Disneyland over the break. It was really great as we have not been able to make many trips in the last few years. We ended up getting a season pass to Disneyland and we are planning to go again in a few weeks for my daughters birthday. I am the assistant coach for the high school basketball team at my kids school. It keeps me busy and takes up a lot of our week. I am excited to get going with this year and see what changes our family will make through out the year. There are going to be a few, and I'm anxious to see just how many it turns out to be. I'm so thankful for my family and everything that I have. A personal goal of mine, not just this year but always, is be content. To be happy with what I have, not always looking and wanting, just be happy and appreciative for what I have, no matter how much or little it is. It's hard. Really hard. But I'm determined. I don't want to be materialistic and never happy. I want to be greatful and content. And I want my children to be also. It's a challenge for sure. There's so much to be thankful for. There's nothing in this world I need. I don't have it all, I assure you, but I certainly have everything I need and nothing to complain about. I'm so thankful for Jesus. That He loves me, that He's changing me day by day, and that I can be assured of my salvation. What a gift! Happy New Year!

No Halloween Here

So, we decided to skip Halloween this year. Not for any religious or political reason. We are Christians, but I've never felt that boycotting Halloween was a requirement for being saved. My parents didn't allow us to participate in Halloween and I always hated it, I didn't want to do that to my kids. I did go back and forth a little between how I was raised and making my own decision and finally decided that we would let our kids trick or treat. We usually only went to a few of the streets near ours. And once their buckets were full or they were bored and wanted to start digging in then we would head home. We never did the neighborhood hopping or running around all night trying to fill up a whole pillow case with candy. I don't understand why parents would want their kids to go out and collect that much candy. Just a few houses and we were done. Last year we only handed out candy because two of my kids were gone to a previous commitment and the other two and I just stayed home for a quiet night. This year we kinda planned to do the same. Not go out, but just have some activities at home and hand out candy. Then one of my girls said. " I don't really want to hand out candy." What? Uh, ok. Fine by me. So instead the girls helped me make dinner and pumpkin rolls (a fall must have in our family), and we watched a movie and painted pumpkins. It was fun. My girls really helped me in the kitchen, with minimal squabbling, and helped make a task I wasn't really looking forward to much more bearable. And it was nice to have a quiet but fun evening. This was our first time to paint pumpkins. It was fun, though I did get a little stressed by all the mess we had already made, and started to get a little overwhelmed. But it was a fun evening and I think my kids enjoyed it too. I hope we've found our new Halloween tradition because it was fun, peaceful, and so much cheaper than buying four costumes and candy to hand out. I'm am totally in no way usually a fun mom. I am a business mom. I have work to do, and I have four kids with a four year age difference from oldest to youngest, they can just play with each other. But this is truly one of my biggest regrets of mothering so far. That I didn't sit down and just be with my kids. I've always been here, they are "with me", but I'm always busy. So it's nice when I plan something to be fun, and it actually turns out that way.

And My Heart Heals a Little More

So I have four kids. Three of them are very typical, all American type kids. They play soccer and basketball, are involved in our church, get good grades, get along with others...just normal, typical kids. I love each of them dearly. They are precious gifts. Then I have my 4th child...she is one of my twins, but she is technically the youngest. She's not so typical, doesn't really do well in school. She is handicapped. She had bacterial meningitis when she was three weeks old and has a severe brain injury. She has many small issues. She's legally blind, profoundly deaf in one ear, she has cerebral palesy, hydrocephalus, in the last year or so she's developed a seizure problem that we thought we were past and, is just generally developmentally delayed. She has some relatively minor behavior issues that can be contributed partially to her seizure medicine that causes personality changes and partially to being babied a bit...just a bit;). I believe she will always live with me, or at least require some degree of care, she'll never drive, she'll likely never marry or have children, she won't go to the prom or to college, she won't have grandchildren or someone to grow old with. Now, on paper, she might seem like quite a large responsibility, and she is. But there's no way you can possibly make an accurate assessment of her on paper. She is so much more than all those issues. She has a good sense of humor, she's funny and sassy. She's incredibly friendly and accepting of anyone who is friendly back. She's so loving, and appreciative of the simplest things. She's very smart in her own way, and works very hard at trying to figure out her school work and the world around her. She enjoys life and rarely seems to realize that she has limitations. She sometimes says things she shouldn't because she doesn't filter very well. These are all things you can't tell by reading about her issues on paper, or seeing her go by in her wheelchair (that she has just for when we are going to out for along time...she can walk). She is ridiculously precious and I treasure her like nothing else. Because she wasn't supposed to survive the meningitis, and when she did they said her brain damage was so bad that she would never be anything more than a vegetable. That's excruciating news, nothing any parent would want or should have to deal with. There were times when I honestly thought I might die from having a broken heart. I definitely felt like I didn't want to live with that broken heart. But here we are, 7 years down the road from those most terrible days. Things are not perfect, she still has many issues and obstacles in her life. But my heart has healed. There are moments it's still broken...for the child I thought I'd have, for the experiences she won't get to have...for what could have been I guess. But we have healed a great deal in 7 years. She brings us so much joy and laughter and happiness, there's no way we couldn't have healed a little. There are moments that hurt our hearts for our precious daughter. Like when we quietly leave her with her grandma while we go do something that is not appropriate for her, or when she wants to do something she is physically unable to do, when we see her twin sister doing things that we can only hope she will do someday in the future. Then there are moments that heal our hearts. Like when she started to smile, started to talk, started to walk at three and a half. This weekend we had a moment that healed our hearts, I'm still on cloud nine over it. There is a soccer league for handicapped kids. When I looked into it before we all agreed that she was too small and fragile. Well, as I was walking out to my sons game this week we ran across the handicapped group. I stopped and talked to the leader just to get some info for next year. Much to my surprise and unbelievable delight they welcomed her to start playing right that instant. They gave her a uniform and off she went. She is so happy. SO HAPPY. She feels like she is just like her brother and sisters now. It's super precious...and my heart heals a little more.

Frustration

So I'm frustrated this week. Just frustrated. My kids haven't been doing their chores. My son (who does so well in school, like seriously is super smart) is so slow and not diligent at doing his homework that I feel it is my duty as an (allegedly) responsible parent to take him out of after school activities. My car needs new brakes...again. My dog just can't quite get house trained.... I'm sure I could come up with a few others if I put my mind to it. It's all just annoying. I've had other periods of life when I felt this same annoyance. It was when my kids were much younger. I felt like all I did was laundry. Like I could never really get caught up on it, almost like it controlled my life. One day I was working on it, it was a mound. I was overwhelmed and feeling unappreciated. I was really complaining on the inside, pretty much had a really terrible attitude. Then something happened that I'll never forget. God spoke to me. It wasn't audible. But it was so impressed on my heart that it was unmistakeable. God said to me, "Would it be better if there was only 3 sets of clothes instead of 4...would your life be easier then?". I froze. I looked at my laundry for my family of 6. What really stood out to me was all the baby clothes for my twins. My precious twins. I almost lost one of my twins to bacterial meningitis. She very nearly died and nothing but God's hand of grace and mercy saved her. So, I got over my pity party. I folded and hung up those clothes. All the while thinking about how much I adored the little bodies that had dirtied them. I still don't like laundry, I still on occasion have to go back to that moment and remember what God taught me. Remember how blessed I am. How the boring, unpleasant, mundanities of being a stay at home mom are really the result of being extremely blessed. I have a lot of laundry because I have 4 kids running around, having fun, getting dirty. I have lots of dishes because I have 4 healthy kids who eat food that I am blessed by God to be able to provide for them. There was a time I didn't believe my kids would ever grow up, but I now know this time is fleeting. I want to enjoy it, not begrudge it. I am blessed far beyond what I deserve. Its so easy to get caught up in our own "problems" and forget about our blessings. There are people truly suffering in this world...my car's brakes don't count as suffering. There are people suffering the heartbreak of losing a child...I have 4 sweet kids to tuck in every night, even though they haven't done their chores. So, today I will choose thankfulness. For my house, aging car, my hubby, my precious kids. My life is good, there is absolutely nothing for me to complain about...thank you Lord!