Starting Back Up

Now that the holidays have passed I'm going to try to get back into blogging. We had a wonderful Christmas, really wonderful. I have a great family and I love to be able to spend time with them. I love having my kids home from school. Every year when Christmas break is abou over I think man, it would be great to homeschool them and have them here all the time...I'm not quite ready to make that jump, but maybe soon. We made a trip to the coast and a quick trip to Disneyland over the break. It was really great as we have not been able to make many trips in the last few years. We ended up getting a season pass to Disneyland and we are planning to go again in a few weeks for my daughters birthday. I am the assistant coach for the high school basketball team at my kids school. It keeps me busy and takes up a lot of our week. I am excited to get going with this year and see what changes our family will make through out the year. There are going to be a few, and I'm anxious to see just how many it turns out to be. I'm so thankful for my family and everything that I have. A personal goal of mine, not just this year but always, is be content. To be happy with what I have, not always looking and wanting, just be happy and appreciative for what I have, no matter how much or little it is. It's hard. Really hard. But I'm determined. I don't want to be materialistic and never happy. I want to be greatful and content. And I want my children to be also. It's a challenge for sure. There's so much to be thankful for. There's nothing in this world I need. I don't have it all, I assure you, but I certainly have everything I need and nothing to complain about. I'm so thankful for Jesus. That He loves me, that He's changing me day by day, and that I can be assured of my salvation. What a gift! Happy New Year!

But I Don't Want To Be The Mom Today

My house is a wreck, I need to work on my laundry, I need to homeschool my daughter, I can't even remember the last time my bedroom and bathroom were clean. I'm sitting here thinking of all the things I need to do, but all I want to do is take a nap. I want to take a nap and not wake up sweaty. I'm so over the heat around here, sometimes it feels like all we have is summer. I want a nice fall and winter. My kids still aren't doing their chores. All this brings me to my profound thought of the day: Being a mom is hard. I'm tired, I want a break. Like a real one, not just 30 minutes here and there. I'm tired, worn down...being a mom is hard. And then I feel guilty. I don't want to be tired of being a mom. I don't want to be a grouchy mom. But I am. I want to enjoy my little lovies. Their time with me is fleeting. I wish my tired body and mind would realize that....but it doesn't seem to care. I know I'll feel better, I'll drink my Pepsi, I'll take a nap, I'll get caught up on my house work, and I'll think for a few minutes that I have this down...until the next time it gets out of control.

How I Became A Mother

I love being a mother. I love staying home with my children, I love seeing all the funny things they do and say. I do run out of patience....often, but I still wouldn't change it for the world.
Sometimes I start to feel a little bit like I'm not contributing anything to society, like I would like to do more than I am, be important to someone other than the occupants of my house.
I hear so many women talk about their professions, what they do all day, the people they meet; and pathetically think to myself that the only thing I could add to the conversation is how quickly I can change a diaper and how it doesn't even gross me out when snot flies everywhere when my baby sneezes.
It can be quite isolating to have young children...especially when you have a multitude of them. Still, I would never want to miss these years of their lives. There will, hopefully, be so many more years that I can work, but I only have these few fleeting years when I can be home, and have them all to myself and let them have me all to themselves.
For this reason I love being a mother. I never thought that I would be here where I am at this point in my life.
I had my first child as a teenager. I found out I was pregnant a few months after I graduated from high school. It was shocking, I never thought that I would be that girl. I was raised in a very conservative Christian home, I knew better...but I did IT anyway. I was scared, I didn't know what to do. My family was nothing less than completely supportive even though they were disappointed. I went back and forth for months between keeping the baby and adoption. In the end I decided to keep the baby, his father was not supportive of adoption, and neither were my parents.
I had a baby boy. Two months later his father and I decided to get married.
I wasn't the best mother you will ever find. My new hubby and I both worked at night and stayed up late. Therefore, we let him stay up; therefore, we all slept late as well. I didn't feed him well....I propped his bottles up with a teddy bear and have pictures of him sitting in his crib eating french fries when he was less than a year old. He survived...he's actually my healthiest eater now.
I went on to be a baby making machine....or at least I felt that way. I had three more children in the next four year. In the interest of full disclosure, this does include a set of twins.
Eight years later I still am struggling with patience. I'm in my last year of having any children at home full time. My babies will be going to kindergarten, I'll be alone. Alone? I'm not sure I know what that is anymore. How will it feel? What will I do? I'm sure I'll figure it out!
There have been plenty of other challenges along the way....when to make the jump from working mother to stay at home mother, when to give up and buy the minivan, what to do with three daughters separated by only two years.
There have been more serious issues as well....the financial challenges of a growing family and shrinking income, a child's serious illness which turned into my biggest challenge as a motherin the form of a child with special needs.
Motherhood has definitely been a journey, a fun journey, a sleepless journey, a cute journey, a heartbreaking journey. I think I have felt every emotion. I have gone from the painful depths of the near death of one of my babies to the "joys" of taking four kids to Disneyland.
There's lots of challenges. I haven't enjoyed all of them, but I don't regret any of them. HOWEVER, if I am being completely honest, I do cringe to think about what is ahead.