Fail Trip

So. My sister, her two kids, my three daughters, and myself made a trip to Disneyland this week. The trip was iffy for about a week or so because I had been sick. I decided I was well enough to go and we went on with our plans. But it was off to a rough start from the very beginning. I never really got myself fully back in order after being sick before it was time to go. I am a big list maker. I just like to sit down and write out my plan and think it through and so on. Then once I have my list made I can get things done really quickly. But my house was a disaster...the kind of disaster that takes place when a stay at home mom is sick in bed for over a week and the (not stay at home) hubs has to take over. Bad things happen to a house in such a situation. Anyhow, though I was feeling better, I didn't get my list made and I didn't get my house back in order. For me, this was two big strikes on my trip because these are two things that feel like a necessity for me to go out of town. The day finally came. It's the kids last day of school (exciting), I have a doctors appointment, and another appointment, I have packed nothing, my house is a disaster, I need to go shopping for the food/snacks I will take with me, I have no list...seems like potentially more than two strikes. I get all these other things taken care of (except for the cleaning) and I'm down to the packing. As I'm packing I say to the hubs, "Hubs, could you get the annual passes out." The annual passes are important, they are our tickets into the park, our tickets into the park that are already paid for. I have a phobia of forgetting them, of getting to Disneyland without our passes that we already paid much money for. So my hubs proceeds to look as I continue to pack. The packing is going well. We are only going to be gone two nights, we really don't need much. Problem...Hubs can't find the annual passes. Boo. I keep packing, sure they will show up. Hubs lets me know that he really can't find them and doesn't know where else to look. I say, "Hubs, how could this be." He thinks he threw the away. As I'm sure anyone can tell, time has just momentarily stood still. Here's the situation. I am, in a very disorganized fashion, about to leave for a funfilled trip to Disneyland with my sister (who has herself just spent much money on tickets). My hubs can not locate the tickets that we have already spent much money on. This does not make me happy. This, in fact, upsets me. So I'm going to make what is becoming a long story short, I call Disneyland, they inform me I can just one time get a temporary pass for no additional charge. This is good, because I don't know if I've mentioned this or not but I've already spent much money on our annual passes and I'm not super interested in spending more. So. We get on our way. Late. Like I want to say about 8:00pm for what promises to be a solid 4-5 hour drive. These are the things that happen when I don't make a list. Nothing eventful happens on the way. Being so late the traffic is good, my sister and I only yell at each other once I think. We get there, very late, very tired, but fairly safe, and it had been like 2 hours since we yelled at each other so we were over it. We go right to sleep. And we sleep pretty good. But something funny happens the next morning. My sister gets her first introduction to how I don't travel one day and then move quickly in the morning the next. She was very gracious to me about it because she thought I was still getting over being sick...little does she know that even with perfect, optimal health I wouldn't be moving any faster. That's just me. It's part of my charm. So we finally make it on over to the magic kingdom. I want to say its almost noon. We get in line to get my temporary passes. I mention to her that we are coming back the next day, so I actually need 2 day passes. Simple enough. She then brings up an excellent, yet previously unnoticed point-my season passes are blacked out for the 2nd day. I stand there, and say, "Oh really?" It just then occures to me that I never checked the blackout dates, I just decided I wanted to go to Disneyland and then I went in a disorganized manner. So here's the situation. I'm at Disneyland with my kids, my sister, and her kids. I can only get in to the park one of the two days we had planned to go, I will not pay the $280 it would cost for them to let me in on a blackout day. My sister has already paid for two days which costs much more than one day and I'm fairly certain she might kill me. Fortunately she had already been planning to upgrade her tickets to season passes. They give you dollar for dollar credit for the tickets you already bought when you do this. So she does not really lose any money, and she does not kill me. We finally make our way into the park. At which time we learn that Disneyland is actually closing at 7:00pm on this blessed day....we had kind of expected 10:00pm or maybe midnight, but once again we didn't check ahead of time so really how were we to know. So, ok, there's nothing we can do but get in there and make the best of it. So we did. We had fun. We had the blessing of my precious handicapped child who got us through a lot of lines faster. Can I just say that if you've never gone to Disneyland with a handicapped person, you should. It is amazing. Of course, there are some rides my daughter can not go on because she is in fact handicapped, this isn't some sort scam we are pulling. She doesn't go on any of the really fast, jerky rides. So no Matterhorn, California Screamin, Space Mountain,or oddly enough Tea Cups...those really fling you around people. But these are in the minority at Disneyland, that is why we like it. But all the normal, nice rides? We are all over that handicap line. Now I'm about to reveal something a little embarrassing. We didn't get to Disneyland until noon...we did not stay till it closed either. I'm sure my sister could have made it, but she later told me that she thought maybe I really wasn't feeling well enough to be there, and she felt kinda bad, and she had mercy on my poor, out of shape soul. And we left before it closed. We went out to a wonderful dinner and then we went to bed and I'm pretty sure I didn't roll over or otherwise move all night, I was beat. So the next day was full of plenty of adventure of its own. We ended up labeling our trip "Fail Trip". But we did have fun, I'm glad I got to go with just my sister. I'm glad she didn't kill me over the tickets, and I'm also glad to be home.

And My Heart Heals a Little More

So I have four kids. Three of them are very typical, all American type kids. They play soccer and basketball, are involved in our church, get good grades, get along with others...just normal, typical kids. I love each of them dearly. They are precious gifts. Then I have my 4th child...she is one of my twins, but she is technically the youngest. She's not so typical, doesn't really do well in school. She is handicapped. She had bacterial meningitis when she was three weeks old and has a severe brain injury. She has many small issues. She's legally blind, profoundly deaf in one ear, she has cerebral palesy, hydrocephalus, in the last year or so she's developed a seizure problem that we thought we were past and, is just generally developmentally delayed. She has some relatively minor behavior issues that can be contributed partially to her seizure medicine that causes personality changes and partially to being babied a bit...just a bit;). I believe she will always live with me, or at least require some degree of care, she'll never drive, she'll likely never marry or have children, she won't go to the prom or to college, she won't have grandchildren or someone to grow old with. Now, on paper, she might seem like quite a large responsibility, and she is. But there's no way you can possibly make an accurate assessment of her on paper. She is so much more than all those issues. She has a good sense of humor, she's funny and sassy. She's incredibly friendly and accepting of anyone who is friendly back. She's so loving, and appreciative of the simplest things. She's very smart in her own way, and works very hard at trying to figure out her school work and the world around her. She enjoys life and rarely seems to realize that she has limitations. She sometimes says things she shouldn't because she doesn't filter very well. These are all things you can't tell by reading about her issues on paper, or seeing her go by in her wheelchair (that she has just for when we are going to out for along time...she can walk). She is ridiculously precious and I treasure her like nothing else. Because she wasn't supposed to survive the meningitis, and when she did they said her brain damage was so bad that she would never be anything more than a vegetable. That's excruciating news, nothing any parent would want or should have to deal with. There were times when I honestly thought I might die from having a broken heart. I definitely felt like I didn't want to live with that broken heart. But here we are, 7 years down the road from those most terrible days. Things are not perfect, she still has many issues and obstacles in her life. But my heart has healed. There are moments it's still broken...for the child I thought I'd have, for the experiences she won't get to have...for what could have been I guess. But we have healed a great deal in 7 years. She brings us so much joy and laughter and happiness, there's no way we couldn't have healed a little. There are moments that hurt our hearts for our precious daughter. Like when we quietly leave her with her grandma while we go do something that is not appropriate for her, or when she wants to do something she is physically unable to do, when we see her twin sister doing things that we can only hope she will do someday in the future. Then there are moments that heal our hearts. Like when she started to smile, started to talk, started to walk at three and a half. This weekend we had a moment that healed our hearts, I'm still on cloud nine over it. There is a soccer league for handicapped kids. When I looked into it before we all agreed that she was too small and fragile. Well, as I was walking out to my sons game this week we ran across the handicapped group. I stopped and talked to the leader just to get some info for next year. Much to my surprise and unbelievable delight they welcomed her to start playing right that instant. They gave her a uniform and off she went. She is so happy. SO HAPPY. She feels like she is just like her brother and sisters now. It's super precious...and my heart heals a little more.

The New Feminist

So, I in no way would be interested in starting a big debate or controversy. I believe what I believe, and I believe you are entitled to believe what you want to believe. It's unlikely that anyone is going to cause me to change my views, and I can understand and accept that it's unlikely I'll change yours. I'm ok with all that. But I do have very strong views about a lot of things. I was raised very conservatively and I have remained conservative. I think conservatives make themselves look bad. I'm not a liberal and don't like or agree with pretty much anything they stand for. So that's where I'm coming from. But the point here today is to talk about feminism. I hate what feminism has become. It doesn't empower women. I honestly don't know much about what feminists believe and promote other than that a woman can do everything a man can do and that no one can tell a women what to do with her body (meaning she should be free to abort any baby she doesn't feel like having). So since I can not eloquently or accurately comment on what liberal feminism is, I will instead comment on what real feminism should be. Women should love being women and embrace all that it entails. Why in the world would we want to do everything that men do, we are not men...we are women. In my house, I don't wash the cars, I don't do yardwork, I don't take the car to the mechanic, I don't move or lift heavy things, I don't answer the door when someone comes over unexpectedly late at night. My husband does these things, they are his role in our family, among other things. My role? I stay home and take care of our four children. I keep our house clean...relatively, I make my kids school lunches, make dinner every night. I give my kids a bath and put them to bed, I do the laundry, take my kids to school and pick them up, either my husband or myself go on every field trip they have, I take them to the Dr. and then take care of them when they are sick, I'm here when they fall and get hurt, when they argue, when they get their feelings hurt, I pull their teeth and I put their bandaids on. I homeschool my youngest daughter who has special needs, I babysit two kids who I love, I volunteer at my church...among other things. I love staying home. I've wanted to be home ever since I had my first child as a teenager. I want to be with my kids, I want to raise them, train them, love them, and just be there. I just want to be with my kids. This is feminism...being feminine. I don't want to do everything men do because I'm not a man. I'm a women and I take great joy in doing what women do. Wouldn't it be amazing if this became the new feminism? If women went home and took care of their kids and enjoyed it. If society didn't tell women they weren't contributing if they weren't working outside their homes, if we quit buying the lie that jobs and positions and titles and money could make us happy. If we quit thinking that having every THING is what life is about, if we could quit chasing THINGS, and start chasing relationships. Wouldn't the world...or at least America be a different place. Women be women, do it proudly, do it well. Let men be men, let them do it well. It's ok to play our role. It's ok! I totally realize this can't work for everyone. There are single moms, or families that just really require two incomes to get by. I get that, I understand. But if you can stay home with your kids, and be a home maker, then quit buying the lie that you can do more for the world by working. There's no better use of your time and your life than to be there with your kids. Here's the bottom line for me. The question has been asked of numerous conservative families. Are you just raising your daughters to be moms? Whew, that makes my blood boil a little. The answer is yes! I want grand children so I am very hopeful that I am raising my daughters to be mothers. I hope they desire and are given the option and choose to be stay at home moms. Here's why: if they think they want to be moms I hope it's because they have seen and appreciated the value in what I have spent my life doing for them. So I think real feminism is letting women do what women were made to do, not telling them they are worthless unless they do everything the men do.

Where My Heart Is

So I read a story tonight that naturally had me in tears. It was about a man who does triathlons and such with his disabled 13 year old daughter. Very similar to the Hoyt family, which just makes me cry buckets. Besides just being human and having a heart, it really struck accord with me because I have a disabled child. She is not disabled to the same degree that this sweet girl is. She can walk and talk and do many things for herself. But she is handicapped. I think she'll probably always live with us, or at least require some level of care. It's so precious to see the love these parents have for these children. These are people that society writes off as invaluable, unimportant. People that we would look the other way when we see them. I shamefully admit that I too do this. Mostly out of discomfort, not knowing what to do. I don't want to make them feel as though I'm staring...but do I make them feel invisible? I don't know. I dont know how best to handle that situation. I do know this. I know why those men do that for their children. I know that I am overwhelmed with feelings for my daughter. I just quite simply adore her. I love all my children, I would do anything for each of them, but theres just something about my disabled daughter. I adore her. She is so completely precious to me. Maybe almost losing her changes my perspective? Maybe sorrow for the life she can't live? Maybe. Those things do make me sad. Break my heart really. She'll never get to play on the same sports teams with her twin sister. She'll never drive. She'll probably never live completely independently. She'll probably never get married or have children. Which means she'll never have grandchildren. Who will take care of her when I'm gone? Who will treat her the way I want her to be treated? Who will see how special and precious she is and treat her accordingly? These are all things that break and strike fear in my heart. I'm not 100% sure what the point is here tonight. I just know that I adore my daughter. I can't bear the thought of her being mistreated or treated like she is invalid, and inconvenience. She is so much more than the things that you see outwardly. She is my daughter, whom I love, whom I sacrifice for , whom I have cried countless tears over, who fills me with joy, for whom I gladly give up the plans I had for my life. So treat her well. And treat every disabled person you meet well because they have someone somewhere feeling all these same things for them...and if they don't? Then they deserve for you to treat them well even more. This is rambling and I think it doesn't make much sense. But it's my heart.